Saturday, 22 August 2009

The Most Annoying Film Characters of All Time

Sometimes a film could be great, but some awful character fucks it up. Sometimes the character's irritating qualities make the film great, but we could never admit this to ourselves. Anyway, the reasons they exist are not for us to explain, only document. Here's my personal top ten twats.

10. "The Kids" - Jurassic Park (Joseph Mazello and Ariana Richards)

It took some serious IMDB action to find their names. How the fuck did they survive Jurassic Park? Sam Neill is running his arse off, and they can't even manage simple things like getting out of a car or jumping off some soon-to-be-live electrical pylons. 'Oh, I'll just cling on for dear life, STOP CLIMBING DOWN LIKE I WAS BEFORE and wait to die'. What is wrong with you? Poor Sam Neill, he could have just saved himself, would have saved us all a lot of time. Although, watching the kid fly off the live gate is something I find enjoyable, if not carthartic, to watch.

Lex shining a light at a T-Rex like a tard. If Darwinism was foolproof, you wouldn't even exist.

9. "The Cable Guy" - The Cable Guy (Jim Carrey)

I like this film, even though a lot of people don't. Despite Jim Carrey being on this list, he's quite good in it. But only for brief periods of time. Little strokes of genius between long stretches of lisping and shouting and pulling faces. "Can I have your skin?" - wonderful, dark, love it. But generally just acting like... Jim Carrey, something I can't tolerate for more than about 4 seconds.

Gurning for just under 2 hours = $20m in Carrey's bank account. No wonder it bombed.

8. "Short Round" - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Jonathan Ke Quan)

Don't get me wrong, kids irritate me in films as a sort of rule. But the fact that arrogance becomes 'pluckiness' when it's done by an eight-year-old means Short Round stands out from the others. All the scenes he's in become a barrage of one-liners and 'childish wit', making this kid think he's the dog's bollocks. Yes, you're eight, but you didn't write this stuff, and nobody likes plagiarism.


7. "Will Turner" - Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (Orlando "Wooden as a Floorboard" Bloom)

Disney really know how to pick a bland role model. His 'good looks' are disputable, and putting him next to Johnny Depp in a film and calling Bloom the star is almost laughably embarrassing. Heroes devoid of emotion, personality, expression, movement and signs of life are not good role models. He doesn't even like pirates, so what is the point of him exactly? Pirates rule, Bloom drools.

Bloom in the second film. One of his more critically acclaimed roles.

6. "Wendy Torrance" - The Shining (Shelley Duvall)

I can understand why Kubrick psychologically beat this woman down to an emotional pulp. No doubt, she performs well, but she seems to do more than enough to push Jack over the edge. Unfortunately Duvall's performance of Wendy is of a snivelling, whiny, pathetic, irritating, shrill excuse for a woman.

Not a great role model for anti-domestic abuse campaigns. She seems to invite sympathy for her abuser more than anything else.

5. "Willie Scott" - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Kate Capshaw)

Two of these twats in the same film. But Willie is marginally worse. And, unbelievably, seven years after this film was made, Spielberg married Capshaw. Was this the tipping point? Capshaw plays a spoilt, whining princess who follows Indy around like some sort of pampered dog, moaning that she doesn't have enough scented candles or some other bollocks. The point of no return came when Indiana is about to be crushed by spikes and she won't press the button because of the 'scary bugs'. The woman needs a slap.

4. "Jar Jar Binks" - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Ahmed Best)

We can chart the moment that George Lucas stopped trying to make films and started to try and sell irritating but profitable toys and franchises. Right... about... now. What an annoying, gimpish loser (Jar Jar, I mean. Although...) Jar Jar Binks has no determinable positive attributes, he just makes unfunny remarks and hopes that we'll find his ignorance and clumsiness amusing. We don't. And we didn't miss the racial undertones either. I hope the deal with Mattel was worth it.

3. "Dobby" - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Toby Jones)

Another animated creature that just seems to only be there to provide frustration for the audience. A combination of Jar Jar Binks and Wendy Torrance, with the appearance of Vladmir Putin. As if referring to himself in the third person repeatedly isn't annoying enough, his snivelling and whining makes him absolutely unbearable.

If only his habitual self-harm extended to suicide.

2. "Basher Tarr" - Ocean's Eleven (Don Cheadle)

A terrible character with a terrible accent, rivalling Dick Van Dyke's "cockney" Bert in Mary Poppins in the bad accent stakes. Why the producers insisted on changing the American actor's accent to this abomination is beyond my knowledge. Cheadle steals the scene (and not in a good way) with his enthusiastic, but inevitably awful line: "We're in Barney. Barney Rubble. TROUBLE!!"

1. "Carter Burke" - Aliens (Paul Reiser)

I KNOW every piece has their villain, but this character is such a conniving little shit, it's impossible for it not to get under your skin. After lying to Ripley et al. to get to the Alien-infested planet in the first place, he will do anything to get an alien sample back to Earth, even going as far as to release a facehugger in Ripley and Newt's sleeping quarters. Then when the aliens break lose, he hides like a whimpering little coward and locks the door behind him. Only to be greeted by an Alien. Yum yum.

A cowardly perm if ever I saw one.

Christ, what a bunch of bellends. But remember, all they're guilty of is either being shit actors or taking on roles which would seal their fate forever as a twat. So please, no abuse or excrement in the post, it's only fiction.

1 comment:

  1. You clearly never saw Pootie Tang... *shivers*